Be thankful

Haven't heard from my husband much lately. I know he is busy, so it's ok. I spent time with his family today and it was so nice, but it's not the same without him there. It always feels like something is missing. And thats because a part of my heart is gone. It went to Afghanistan with him and I want it back. I want him back.

Even though times like this make deployment feel hard, I know the 2012 is just around the corner and that gives me hope. The start of 2012 marks the year that he comes home. 2012, for me, is the mark that this deployment is coming much closer to an end and it gives me strength. I know that our love is strong. Distance means nothing to us. We have dealt with separation and distance our whole relationship and I know that it will never stop us. True love knows no distance.

I know also....that I am not alone. It was hard not being able to spend the holidays with him but I know the other families also had an empty chair at their table this Christmas. I am not alone.

Although I had to spend another birthday without him, another Christmas without him and another new year without him....I know that have someone who loves me unconditionally and that is the best gift I could ever ask for.

 I know that someone on the other side of this world loves me, misses me and cannot wait to come home to me. How lucky am I?

I am so blessed to have such a love in my life.

Bring on 2012 ladies!!!
That much closer to our men being home.

This year....I am thankful for a love that will last a lifetime.
1.14.2011 <3

Time for a change.

So, tomorrow our vacation down here in Newport will be over. Feels like it has gone by too fast, but I am glad that I finally got to spend some time in our time-share here. It was nice to be out here in California again, and it looks like I got here just in time too. As I look at recent photos from Colorado, that just got quite a few inches of snow over the last 2 days. Hope it won't be too bad when I get back. But for the last few days I got a great view of this every evening.

As much as I loved being here, I hate that my husband could not enjoy this time with me, but thats just part of deployment I guess. I hate that I get to experience this, while he is where he is. One day soon, I hope he will stand next to me as we enjoy this sunset together.

So, who works out everyday at the gym at a Marriott resort when the beach is within walking distance? Apparently this girl does.

Yeah, thats right. I have spent pretty much everyday at the gym here. I want to get a jump start on my new year's resolution. Although I still have a good amount of this deployment left to go, I want to make sure that I achieve my goal before he gets home. Since r&r I have been more aware of how much work I have to do regarding my weight loss. Even in the beginning of this deployment, I have daydreamed of his homecoming. Of the day I get to run into his arms again. I keep having this visual of running from the bleachers, in a cute short 40's vintage summer dress, my hair curled and flowing as I race toward my husband open arms. I can see myself almost leaping at him and hugging him tight as if saying "I'll never let you go again." In this daydream, this vision that is always in my head, I see myself back at the weight I was at this time last year. A size 6, with my slender waist and shaped legs.

I want to make the dream a reality. I want to get back to this weight before my husband comes home so that instead of saying later on, this was my dream for his homecoming, I can say this WAS his homecoming.

In the past, my weight has always "yo-yo'd." I will lose and then gain. All throughout high school, I was a size 4. My driver's licence, that I got when I was 16, still says "wt: 117." Yes, at one point I was a tiny 117 lbs. I have gained just a tad since then. This time last year, I had just finished with p90x, my weight was somewhere in the 150's, which is a normal weight for my height but still seemed a little heavy to me. But I had gained a good amount of muscle during my workouts with p90x and my smaller body was pretty toned. I was happy with my results.

I can remember at one point, walking around Walnut Creek with my dad, as we were waiting for our appointment to see a wedding venue. If you have walked around downtown Walnut Creek before, you might know that during the day, a lot of the building have refections.

I know this, because I was able to fit into my "skinny jeans" and I couldn't help but look at my new body in the buildings as I walked by. Haha. Crazy I know, but I think it was the first time I realized just how much my hard work had paid off.

But I got too comfortable and thought that now that I was skinny again, I could go back to eating the way I did in high school. Which was eating basically whatever I wanted and not having to worry about the consequences, and I won't lie.....I got lazy. Which is why i gained the weight back. Then with the stress and loneliness of deployment.....well....lets just say that didn't help my case.

But I have gotten to the point now, that I really want my body back. To the point where I am actually working out everyday during my VACATION. I honestly can't believe I let myself get to this place. This is the heaviest I have EVER been in my life and I am embarassed.

But I am determined. I want to lose AT LEAST 30 lbs before my husband's homecoming. I know it is possible, but it is not going to be easy. Especially since I have gotten into a bad routine during this deployment, of eating fatty foods and not working out nearly enough. So my jump start is now, if I can workout during my vacation, maybe I will continue when I return to Colorado. My plan is to start p90x when I get back. I know this is probably going to be hard for me. P90x requires me to workout pretty much 7 days a week (one day is kind of a rest/stretch day) for 90 days. And I won't lie, I get tired of the same workouts and will talk myself into not working out that day. But I can't afford to do that now. Even if I don't want to do that certain p90x workout if I can at least get cardio in that day. Whether it be running on the treadmill, putting in my "Biggest Loser" DVD or even just finding something on "Exercise TV." But I have to be working out 6 days a week and watching my diet. If I can stick to this plan, I could very well be 30 lbs lighter by the time this deployment is done.

Whew! Ok, I really need to stick to it and I know I can. I just can't allow myself to get lazy again. I think to keep myself on track, I will blog at least every week on my weight loss journey. I will be honest, even if that means blogging one week, that I have gained weight instead of lost. Seeing my progress here may keep me focused to finish what I started.

Here's to being skinny again!! Or as Leighann and I chant....and giggle.... during some of our workouts "I WILL BE SKINNY!!!"

Just now, as I type my mom comes to me with a mexican menu for a restuarant called "Sharkys" (which I have never heard before in my life) and asks what I would like to have for dinner. Now, mexican we knew is not very healthy but I managed to pick a plate with wild salmon, brown rice and steamed broccoli. I didn't know any of that would be on the menu, but it was. Go me! ;-)

Ok girls, heres to getting skinny....again.

Stay postives ladies, we are getting much closer to homecoming.

Life REALLY is beautiful...

Happy Holidays!

Skype date

Got to skype with my husband again tonight. It was wonderful. I thank God for skype, because I don't know how I would survive this deployment without it. I don't think I could go 12 months without seeing his face. We talked and joked around. We talked about our wedding a little bit. We agreed that we want to try and plan a wedding for June. We want June because thats probably when his 30 day leave will be. But our promise to each other was that we would try to have a baby right after our wedding and now that we have moved our wedding from Aug/Sept to June, it also means we have moved up our trying for a baby date. I'm very excited. I cannot wait to be a mother. I have been waiting for this my whole life.

We will be amazing parents, this I know. We both love children so much.

Stay positive ladies. We got this...

Life is beautiful

7 down and going strong

Hello all,

I know its been awhile since I have wrote anything, but I come with good news. I bought myself a new scale to weigh myself since my old one was a little sketchy. Its funny, but I totally LOVE this scale, because 1) its accurate unlike my last one and 2) because it can store weight info for 2 people. So, basically I can store my last weigh in, so that the next time I step on the scale it can tell me if I have lost weight or gained....and how much. Its awesome! (hopefully there will only be weight lost)

I stepped on the scale this morning and I have lost 4.2 lbs this week. Yikes! And since starting my diet and exercise routine I have lost a total of 7 lbs. Not to mention, that there was a few days in there where I didn't workout at all. I have done pretty well on my diet though. I try to watch what I am eating. Like this week I have started my "Body by Vi" challenge, which is basically replacing one meal with their nutritional shake. Its pretty good too and makes you feel full. I have decided to drink it in the morning as my breakfast. I have been trying to drink more water and eating pretty healthy. Last night I had chicken seasoned with minced garlic, a little garlic powder and italian seasoning. On the side I had grilled asparagus. Yum! Lunch yesterday was a 6 inch turkey sandwich from subway and baked chips. I have just tried being more aware of what I am eating and trying to eat smaller meals. And basically just thinking about my meals and planning them before hand. And I have noticed I have not been able to eat as much as I used to. Score!

7 lbs may not be a lot, but its a start and I'm proud of myself. I haven't been dieting for that long yet, so 7lbs gives me the motovation to continue. Its that little pat on the back, that little revelation.....that little push that you need to realize that what your doing is working. That the hard work your putting in, is getting you where you want to be.

Can't wait to see how much I lose next week!!!

Stay positive girls.....we got this!!!

*Life is beautiful*

So confused....

I don't know what to think anymore. I haven't heard from my husband in almost a week. He is never online. I don't get an email, a FB chat, letter, phone call.....nothing. I have only talked to him twice since he left, and that was two weeks ago. Last time I talked to him he sounded off, not like himself, so I don't know what to think at this point. I'm just worried, we have never gone this long without talking this whole deployment. And everyone else has talked to their spouse, so I don't know what to think anymore. But of course as I woman, I always think the worst. I just want to hear his voice and know that he is ok. I'm starting to get really worried at this point. Thinking the worst, I think is he just busy or maybe he  does not care for me anymore. I mean, we got engaged and then married so quickly.....maybe he changed his mind. I don't know what is going on and the more time that goes by the more time I have to think.....and then I only can think of the worst.

I have been trying to keep myself busy. Leighann and I have been doing well on our diets and we both have been continuing with our workout plans. We even made a chart with our starting measurements and we will weight in and do our measurements every week. We have been working out to the biggest loser videos and tomorrow we are running. Good luck to me! lol.

Although I have been doing as much as I can to keep busy, I still can't help but think of why my husband hasn't called. I know to them, they get busy and they don't always think about calling us. Or sometimes they think "Oh well I will call her tomorrow but I need my sleep tonight." But they just don't understand that on this side......we have no idea what is going on. All we can think about is....I haven't heard from my husband, why isn't he calling me?? especially when everyone else is getting phone calls or even having skype dates. We have never gone this long without talking. My woman's intuition is telling me something is up and I won't be able to get it out of my head until I talk to him.

As hard as it is ladies....
we have to stay postive.....what other choice is there?

Finally a phone call

I finally heard from my husband on Thanksgiving and I heard from my husband this morning. I'm so glad I could hear his voice. I missed it so much.

He sounds a little off, he sounds a little sad almost. When I talk to him he keeps saying how much he misses me and how much he just wants to be home. He tells me how much he wants to just be done with this. He is over the whole deployment thing. I'm over it too. I just want my husband back!

I want to be able to just start our life together. It feels like we haven't been able to do that because of this deployment. Most newly wed's don't have to think of spending their first year apart, but being a military couple we HAVE to adjust to the bumps of deployment and military life. It can be so hard.

I'm very excited that in 3 weeks I will be back in California to spend some time with family and I'm hoping that I will be able to find a place for us to get married. Once I can find a place to get married....everything else will fall into place. Finding the location is the hardest part. Everything after that just falls together. I just need to find a place to start from. Crossing my finger that I can find somewhere to start from.

Remember that as hard as deployment may feel sometimes....

Stay positive.
Life is Beautiful.

Where's my phone call Sir?

Tonight will be the third day of not hearing from my husband. I know it has only been 3 days when it could be a lot longer, but before r&r he was able to call much more so when I don't hear from him in days....I start to worry a little. I can't help it. I don't know whats going on over there, so my mind starts to wonder. I guess thats normal. I mean, at least other wives tell me they do the same thing after long periods with no contact. I worry about him a lot, I can't wait to be done with this deployment and not have to worry about officers in uniform showing up at my door. Deployment is worrying about him every second of everyday for 12 months straight. I know my husband is very good at his job, but that doesn't mean I don't worry for him. But I know that I can't let my mind go there, I can't allow myself to think of the negative because I have several months still to go and I will drive myself crazy if I think about it.

So, that means distracting myself. It means keeping myself busy so I don't even have time to think about how long its been since our last phone call. It means continuing my hobbies. Painting more. Spending more time with friends. Watching movies. And definatly continuing my workout plans.

I have been doing well so far with my diet and working out. I just have to make sure that I stick to it. The last 2 days I have been using a Jillian Michaels workout called "30 days shred (level 2).' It says you can lose up to 20 lbs in 30 days doing a 20 min workout everyday. Well, I think thats a little crazy. I mean, 20 lbs!!!! In 30 days!!! So, I decided to try it to see how many pounds I can lose in 30 days, because knowing MY body it won't be 20lbs. But even if I can lose 10, how could I be mad with that?

Well, its day 2 and oh my God! My whole body hurts. The thing with Jillian Michael's is....she loves to workout every part of your body during her workouts. So, in 20 minutes I have worked out my arm's, my shoulder's, my abs, my legs and my butt. =)

Yesterday, I didn't feel too sore but today I really feel it. When I do anything with my arms they hurt. I don't want to laugh or sneeze because I'm afraid of the pain it will cause my abs. And don't even get me started on walking up the stairs to my Apt today. Ouch. I expect tomorrow won't be much fun. Trying to keep up with her when my whole body is screaming at me "F**k you!" Oh well, I know the results at the end of 30 days will make me more motivated to continue. My goal is 2 lbs a week and I think this week I will accomplish that.

But remember....
Stay positive. Life is beautiful.

God, do I miss him!

Day One: The last half

So, it begins. I dropped my husband off at the airport today, totally expecting to make it through the goodbye in one piece. I made it to the airport, kissed him goodbye, drove off and not a minute down the road....I felt the first tear stream down my face. I was kind of surprised. I wasn't expecting it. The end of R&R marks the halfway point and I thought saying goodbye this time would be easier, especially knowing the next time he's here, it will be for good. Okay, well its never really for good exactly. Marrying a grunt, I know he will always leave. I may get him home for a year or so if I'm lucky, until he leaves again. I don't like to say its "what I signed up for," because I didn't sign up for this, my husband did. But I did know that the military is his career when I met him and I know infantry is his passion....so that comes with multiple deployments. But I love my husband and I could not be more proud of him.

I will just need to keep myself as busy as I can for the last half of this. I started the rest of my morning, after dropping off my husband, with making myself a breakfast sandwich. Which I have to say was pretty good and if you know me, you know I'm not really all that great in the kitchen. After breakfast, I went to the gym after some time away, it was a good way to bring up my spirit a little. Plus, it felt good to be in the gym again. My goal for the rest of this deployment is to try and lose 2 lbs a week at least. If I can keep that up and lose at least 2 lbs a week, I could lose 30 lbs or more before he comes home. And 2 lbs doesn't seem too out of reach, it sounds very doable.

I need to get in the habit of going to the gym or using a workout video everyday. Even if I only do 30 mins of cardio. I need to do something, everyday. The hard part for me is consistancy, I can diet and excercise for some time, a week or more and then I stop. Heck I did p90x and stopped after day 70. Aye! Although I have to say by that point I was very satisfied with my results. But I can't do that anymore. I want to surprise my husband when he comes home and not only that, but I have our wedding in Sept. And although I still have awhile before that, I need to start now. I'm hoping that after awhile, I will just be in the routine and make it a habit. I got a good start today, but I will need to push myself when I get to the point where I want to stop or when I start to let this deployment get to me again.

Okay, time to make a snack. I'm thinking homemade salsa and whole grain chips. Yum.
Stay positive......life is beautiful.

So, R&R is almost over and soon my husband will be heading back to Afghanistan. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye again. Well, I think as military wives we know that it's not really goodbye, it's "see you later." But it is still hard. At least this time I know that the next time I see him, he will be home for good....and I won't have to send him back to Afghanistan. I was listening to a song the other day called "A soldier's wife" by Roxie Dean and there is a part in the song that goes, "with a tearful goodbye kiss....I send him off to this." That part always reminds me of the day I said "see you later" the first time. The day I stood there in my long blue sun dress and my big black sunglasses that consealed the salty tears running down my face. In the days leading up to this deployment, I wasn't sure how I would react on the day he left. I wasn't sure if I would cry or if it would take time to sink in. But that song always brings back that day and reminds me that I send him off to deployment. This time it feels different though, because I know that we have made it halfway through this deployment. And now I feel that I know what to expect. Maybe it will be easier to say "see you later" this time, but I'm still not looking forward to it. At the end of the song, she sings "I pray for strength, I pray for peace. I pray that he comes home to me but if you would please pray for me.....I'm a soldier's wife." Please pray for me and for every military family that will be celebrating the holidays with a missing family member. God bless my military families.

First Blog

Hello All,


Just wanting to post my first blog and get this started. I figured that a blog may help me get through the last half of this deployment. Somewhere for me to vent or to share my feelings. Feel free to follow me. I have somehow survived the first leg of this deployment. I credit my good friends and lots of wine. Now, is R&R, but soon he will leave to go back to Afghanistan....and I will be left to venture through the rest of this. So feel free to follow the last half of this roller coaster we call.....deployment!