Deployment will not break me.

So, I haven't blogged in quite a long time. But I figured today was a good day to start up again. I got a call from my husband this morning. He told me some not so great news. He agreed to something that requires him to stay in Afghanistan a week or two later than expected.

 The last few months of deployment suck. Cause you know your close, but time just isn't going by fast enough. And I think at this point you get so anxious....like can't it just be over now?? We have waited so long already. So, I'm trying to look at the positive things. Because sure its easy to go straight to all the negative. And, well, I did that already. I got the venting out of the way. But what did that do for me?

Nothing.

In fact, all it did was make me more upset. Deployment is hard enough without myself adding to it. Its a bad habit for me when something comes up that I am not expecting.....I jump right to negative.....Oh poor me. But really, that doesn't solve anything. That doesn't help anything. That doesn't change what happened. It is what it is. So, don't make it harder. Don't dwell. Don't hate the world.

Deployment is hard. We know this. We expect it. We try to prepare for it. But lets be honest. There is NO way to prepare for deployment. Trust me. I tried. ;-)

Some of us have months before to let it sink in, when others get deployment orders thrown at them out of nowhere. Sometimes I wonder. Is it really better to have months to "prepare" before deployment? Or it is better to have it sneak in without even a creek in night to tell you its near?

For my husband and I, we had about 6 months notice that deployment was coming. He had just gotten to Fort Carson and was still in-processing. I remember the phone call he made to me. I asked him if he knew anything yet. Really anything at all. He had been in Colorado for 2 weeks and still did not know anything. He had no idea what unit he was in and to me it didn't sound like a huge problem but for him he hated the not-knowing. He was anxious to know where he would be placed for the next 3 years of his life. He was anxious to know, who he would be working with and honestly....he was anxious to know when he would be able to REALLY do his job. And I think all of us miliatry wives, especially infantry wives know what he what he meant by "Really" do his job.

Deploy. Infantry men are meant to deploy. To fight. To protect. And sitting around on post, filling out papers and "waiting around" is not what they like to do. Well, shoot I don't think anyone really likes to do that. But infantry men especially.

I remember this phone call to me, like it was just yesterday. And although he still didn't know what unit he would be joining, he did know it could be one of three different units. He told me depending on what unit he got placed with would determine when he would be leaving. The first unit he told me about, was already deployed and if he got placed with them....he would would leave right away and join them in Afghanistan. Well, you can bet I didn't like that idea. We have been in a long distance realionship for a year and a half. He was finally home for all of  2 months before he re-enlisted and we were back to long-distance again. I was not prepared for him to deploy.

The second unit he could be placed with would be leaving sometimes in the spring or summer. That is was pretty soon, but at least it might give me a few months of flying to Colorado to be with him before he would deploy.

The third unit, would not be deploying until early of 2012. At the time this was over a year away and would give us not only more time to see each other, but would also give us enough time to plan and have our wedding.

The next phone call he made to me, would change everything.

He told me he finally knew what unit they had assigned him to. I remember my breath stopped and I was frozen. My thoughts were racing. What unit was he in? Would be with the unit that had already deployed? Would he be leaving right away? Would I not even have time to see him before he left? Was this it???

So many things came rushing through my mind. And I just thought to myself, if he leaves and I don't even get to say goodbye, if something happens to him....will this be our last conversation? No, it couldn't happen that quick.....could it?

His words broke me from my thoughts. "I'm with 2/4 and I will be deploying in the spring."

The spring. Months away. I breathed a small side of relief. He would not be deploying right away. But then, it hit me. No wedding. We had been planning to have our wedding in August of 2011, but I realized he wouldn't be here then. He would be in Afghanistan. And it hit me, like a ton of bricks. The next year of my life was going to be spent away from him. We weren't going to have the wedding we had been planning. The wedding I had been dreaming about. He wasn't going to be here.

Everything was different.

Now, there was only a few months before he would be gone. Thats when it felt like we were worlds apart, because he was now in Colorado and I was still in California. How was this going to work? How were we going to have enough time together before he would be gone for a year?

It scared me, to think that there wasn't enough time. We were states away, he was going to be leaving and.....what if something were to happen to him? What if he didn't come h....

I didn't want to think about it. It was too scary, too horrible.....too heartbreaking...

It was then that I began to realize just how precious time is. What do you do? What to you say to the man that you love, when you know you only have mere months before he's gone for a year? A year! 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. It seemed like forever to me.

But it was then that I decided what I wanted to do. Spend every moment that I possibly could with him. And how could I do that when I was states away from him. We spent the next few weeks discussing it and finally come to the decision that we would get married and I would move up there and be with him before he left. Of course, it felt like the easiest decision to make. Spend the last few months with him before he would be gone. But the truth is, it wasn't the easiest decison to make. This decision would mean that I would have to leave my friends, my family and my dream job. That is not an easy decision to make. But I knew that time.....was not on my side.

It was not the way we had always dreamed we would get married, but since when does the military ever give you the perfect opportunity? Not every often. We knew we loved each other. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. What else did we need?

We got married in January and spend a few of the greatest days together, before I had to come back to California. We were then separated again by distance. Soon he was off to JRTC for a month. And along with distance came.....no communication. Lovely.

That was the hardest, most lonely....longest month of my life. I moved to Colorado in March after he got back from training, where we spend 3 months of married life together before I had to say "see you later." Because in the miliary, we never say goodbye.

Saying "see you later" to him that day, was by far the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. Words could not even express the heartache I felt. I cried the entire way home. Lily sitting next to me in the front seat sleeping. I looked at her and thought, she doesn't even understand anything that is going on. Life is so easy for her right now and how much she is going to change before he sees her again.

So, now I think, would have it been easier on me if I didn't have those few months to "prepare'? Because is it my opinion that there is NO way to prepare yourself to watch your loved one walk away from you. It will always be the hardest thing to let go of your embrace and to stand there as he walks away. How do you ever "prepare" for that?

To my ladies, my military wives. You are much stronger than you ever even realize. You have the strength, the courage, the will, the love, the dedication and the faith....to face something that most will never even comprehend. You are all amazing. Don't you ever forget that!

Now, on to my list of positives. They can sometimes be hard to find when you feel like you can't possibly survive one more day of deployment. But here they are because no matter how alone, sad, and weak you feel.....

Life is beautiful.

Here is my list.

1) My house is clean. =)

 2) The Voice is on tonight.

3) Lily has learned to sit when I sign the word to her. lol. She's so smart.

4) I'm not alone.

5) Dancing with the Stars premires tonight.

6) Athough at times it feels far away....I am one day closer to seeing my husband again.

7). I have amazing friends.

8). God loves me.

9). I love me. ;-)

10). I am much stronger than I think.

11). I have survived over 80% of this deployment.....the end is near!!

12). I have an amazing best friend.....I call him my husband.

13). Communicaion is key and we have excelled in that through this deployment.

14) Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Boy does it ever!

15). I may not  be able to see him physically in front of me, but I can close my eyes and see his smile perfectly.

16). It may push me around at times and make me cry from loneliness.....but deployment WILL NEVER break me.

17). I look foward to meeting friends in person, that I have made through this deployment.

18). Though, it seems like it has been so long and though it may feel as though time is standing still, at the end of this I get the greatest gift of all.....

I get my husband back!!

Wow, I found more positive then I thought I would. Guess I am stronger than I think.

Ladies, we are almost there!!!!!
Jamie

My husband and I at the deployment BBQ, just days before he left.

Attitude is EVERYTHING

Ok, this girl needs to find a job. Quitting my job was really not what I wanted, but there was no way I could have continued to work there. I have never in my life felt so much tension and complete disrespect. And I think that when you wake up in the morning, you should want to go to work. I dreaded going and not because of the actual job I was doing, but because I dreaded being around my boss. I still just don't understand how someone can be that mean for no reason. And I could not stand the way she talked to the children. I mean, at one point we had a child who was dropped off in the morning crying because his mom had just left and she tells the boy "Suck it up and stop crying." He was four! Four! And she is the director of this school?

My friend still works there and has told me that things are only getting worse there since I left. In fact, she told me that when she was talking to another co-worker she found out that before I started working there they had 3 other teachers quit without notice just prior to me being hired. And in the short 3 or so months I worked there, we lost 3 employees.

I guess the 2 of the ladies that work the front office actually confronted the director and told her to be nicer. But still that didn't help for long, a parent took her daughter out of the school and told my ex-boss to her face, "Your mean." I hope that one day she realizes just how mean she is and that she realizes that her attitude is the reason employees keep quitting on her. No one wants to work in that kind of environment. Its sad because, life is short and its not a good way to live when your always so mean to other people. It reminds me what my middle school's motto was: "Attitude is everything." I didn't realize just how true that is until I worked at that school. If anything, that is what I took away from that experience.

  Anyway, I need to find a job soon. My husband is deployed and working hard, and between paying bills and paying off debt, we are not saving as much as either one of us had hoped. If I can find a job at least I can put more towards saving.

I have to say I'm a little scared though after this experience. But hopefully I can find something soon.

In good news, I just looked at my DOM. We are getting closer girls!!!

Deployment doesn't have anything on us.....We got this!!

Don't lose hope

Oh man has it been a long time since my last post. 16 days to be.....lying....17 days to be exact. So I said I would be honest when it comes to my weigh loss and I keep my promises. Before my California trip I had lost 7 lbs in about 2 weeks. My first week in California I was able to workout pretty much everyday, but the second week when we got back to my parents house I was not able to workout as much. I'm not a runner and I did not have access to a gym, but I tried sticking to my diet as best I could.

But upon returning to Colorado I was frusterated to learn that I had gained it all back. All 7 lbs. But at least I didn't gain more than my starting weight, I guess that could be the silver lining there.....that is if you look really hard for it.

But I told myself, that I was not going to allow that gain back get to me. Although as frusterating as it is, I don't want to get side tracked and stop my weightloss journey.

I had a friend tell me not to look at it as a "diet" and to allow myself to "cheat" just a little but only every so often. She told me if I look at it as I'm on a diet and I limit what I can eat and I don't allow myself to have a cheat time, then I will fall back into my old ways. The way she had said it to me, it made sense. So I decided to not completely limit myself, but instead just to use moderation AND to eat as healthy as I can. But to not forget that i can "cheat" a little, just as long as I do in moderation. Small "cheats" if you will.

I'm starting my slimquick pills again. Even though I wanted to lose weight without using diet pills, I think I need a jump start. Something to help give me a little push, but I defineatly don't want to rely on pills to help me lose weight. But I think sometimes, especially with knowing what weight I am starting at, I may need a little help. More so because we have set a wedding date and my time period to lose weight has been shortened.

Well, I had always thought my due date for my weight loss was my husbands homecoming, which in a way it is. I want to lose a good amount of weight and get more toned by the time he gets home. But now I need to lose about 3 inches off my waist which is my main trouble area. When I was in California, I tried on my wedding dress and I know what I need to do to fit in it better. We have set a date for June 30th, 2012.

So, now I'm in a time crunch to lose enough weigh before my wedding. I'm not giving myself a goal weight, because it doesn't matter the weight on the scale. It just matters what I look like, how I feel and that I fit in my dress. Ok, techinically I fit into it, but I want to lose weight to look better in it. But also to lose weight to feel better, healthier. Plus, after working out tonight....I know that even on the worst most lonely nights of this deployment....working out ALWAYS makes you feel better. Guarenteed. Remember that ladies, on the days you feel like you can possibly get out of bed....get up...workout....and I know you will feel better and stronger. =)

Now, on to a different subject. I FINALLY enrolled Lily into dog training. Its way overdue thats for sure. She is now 11 months old and has had no puppy training whats-so-ever. That was a mistake on my part. I should have enrolled her months ago. Now, she is crazy puppy and I swear I think she has ADD. No, really, I think she does. When I take her out to go potty, she will sniff everything and wonder around as much as she can anyway since I have her on a leash. She gets so distracted by anything, even a moving leaf that she won't go. I know probably tmi, but seriously she is driving me CRAZY! Literally one time she was about to go and someone walked outside and she STOPPED. Oh my lord.

But today I took her to the dog park. Hoping we could stay later today, because yesterday it was so cold I couldn't stand out there. I knew once I could no longer feel my legs....it was time to go home. So, today I was hoping we could stay there for more than 15 minutes. I want her to run around and get her energy out, because then she's not such a pain in my butt for the rest of the day.

But today, she was running around with another dog. Then the owner went to her car to get a bowl. She put some water in it for her dog to drink. I saw Lily run toward the gate opening. I walked over to make sure Lily wouldn't run out or bother her. But I didn't get there in time. The lady opened the gate with the bowl in one hand, she held it up but to close to her chest and...here comes Lily....she jumped on her and there goes the water....all over the front of her sweatshirt. I wanted to shoot Lily. I knew the whole jumping thing is a problem with her, but she mostly saves that for me. How lucky am I?

I told the woman I was so sorry. She said it was ok, but her face said it all. She looked so pissed. So I chased after Lily, got her on the leash and took her home. I immediatly called the dog training school and signed her up. Its funny, I can handle a toddler....tantrums, crying, screaming, dipaers...you name it.....BUT....I have no idea how to handle a hyper puppy. I joked with my husband that I would take a child any day over this dog. As much as I love her, she is SO much work. Hopefully, training will help her because at this point I think it will be a long time before we can have children. We have talked about starting after few months after he gets home, but theres no way I could handle a child and Lily. Not to mention I don't trust her with small children. She just gets to excited and I would be afraid of her jumping and knocking the child down.

Well, that is all for today. Its been a busy and productive day and I am tired.

Homecoming is getting closer and closer.....I swear I can see the finish line now. 2012....has given me so much hope. I know now how much closer I am to having my husband back. How close I am to having the other half of my heart home.

Life is beautiful <3

Happy New Year!

So its finally 2012 and I can offically say that my husband is coming home this year!

I got a little emotional when the ball dropped on New Year's Eve, because I knew it was a milestone in this deployment. Before I left for California I told myself that at the end of that trip, it would be 2012 and that meant we only had X many more months left of this deployment. I had prepared myself to know just how close we are to the end, by making the end of my California trip as a big marker...or milestone if you will...in this deployment.

This may sound crazy but the start of 2012 has given me strength. It has given me hope. I feel like these next few months are going to fly by, especially since I have a wedding to plan, p90x to finish, and a job to find. Lots to do to keep me busy. I'm getting so excited for homecoming!!!

2011 brought a lot of changes for me. News of a deployment that we were not expecting, getting married, moving to Colorado, starting our married life together, finding a place of our own, getting a puppy our little Lily, sending my husband off to Afghanistan, getting a job, then losing a job, welcoming my husband home for r&r, making new friends. 2011 was a good year but I'm looking forward to what 2012 will bring us. A wedding, hopefully a new job for me, starting school again, a HOMECOMING and who knows maybe an addition to our little family....thats still up in the air though.

Happy 2012 everyone! I hope this year brings peace, love and much happiness to all of you!!!