The last few months of deployment suck. Cause you know your close, but time just isn't going by fast enough. And I think at this point you get so anxious....like can't it just be over now?? We have waited so long already. So, I'm trying to look at the positive things. Because sure its easy to go straight to all the negative. And, well, I did that already. I got the venting out of the way. But what did that do for me?
Nothing.
In fact, all it did was make me more upset. Deployment is hard enough without myself adding to it. Its a bad habit for me when something comes up that I am not expecting.....I jump right to negative.....Oh poor me. But really, that doesn't solve anything. That doesn't help anything. That doesn't change what happened. It is what it is. So, don't make it harder. Don't dwell. Don't hate the world.
Deployment is hard. We know this. We expect it. We try to prepare for it. But lets be honest. There is NO way to prepare for deployment. Trust me. I tried. ;-)
Some of us have months before to let it sink in, when others get deployment orders thrown at them out of nowhere. Sometimes I wonder. Is it really better to have months to "prepare" before deployment? Or it is better to have it sneak in without even a creek in night to tell you its near?
For my husband and I, we had about 6 months notice that deployment was coming. He had just gotten to Fort Carson and was still in-processing. I remember the phone call he made to me. I asked him if he knew anything yet. Really anything at all. He had been in Colorado for 2 weeks and still did not know anything. He had no idea what unit he was in and to me it didn't sound like a huge problem but for him he hated the not-knowing. He was anxious to know where he would be placed for the next 3 years of his life. He was anxious to know, who he would be working with and honestly....he was anxious to know when he would be able to REALLY do his job. And I think all of us miliatry wives, especially infantry wives know what he what he meant by "Really" do his job.
Deploy. Infantry men are meant to deploy. To fight. To protect. And sitting around on post, filling out papers and "waiting around" is not what they like to do. Well, shoot I don't think anyone really likes to do that. But infantry men especially.
I remember this phone call to me, like it was just yesterday. And although he still didn't know what unit he would be joining, he did know it could be one of three different units. He told me depending on what unit he got placed with would determine when he would be leaving. The first unit he told me about, was already deployed and if he got placed with them....he would would leave right away and join them in Afghanistan. Well, you can bet I didn't like that idea. We have been in a long distance realionship for a year and a half. He was finally home for all of 2 months before he re-enlisted and we were back to long-distance again. I was not prepared for him to deploy.
The second unit he could be placed with would be leaving sometimes in the spring or summer. That is was pretty soon, but at least it might give me a few months of flying to Colorado to be with him before he would deploy.
The third unit, would not be deploying until early of 2012. At the time this was over a year away and would give us not only more time to see each other, but would also give us enough time to plan and have our wedding.
The next phone call he made to me, would change everything.
He told me he finally knew what unit they had assigned him to. I remember my breath stopped and I was frozen. My thoughts were racing. What unit was he in? Would be with the unit that had already deployed? Would he be leaving right away? Would I not even have time to see him before he left? Was this it???
So many things came rushing through my mind. And I just thought to myself, if he leaves and I don't even get to say goodbye, if something happens to him....will this be our last conversation? No, it couldn't happen that quick.....could it?
His words broke me from my thoughts. "I'm with 2/4 and I will be deploying in the spring."
The spring. Months away. I breathed a small side of relief. He would not be deploying right away. But then, it hit me. No wedding. We had been planning to have our wedding in August of 2011, but I realized he wouldn't be here then. He would be in Afghanistan. And it hit me, like a ton of bricks. The next year of my life was going to be spent away from him. We weren't going to have the wedding we had been planning. The wedding I had been dreaming about. He wasn't going to be here.
Everything was different.
Now, there was only a few months before he would be gone. Thats when it felt like we were worlds apart, because he was now in Colorado and I was still in California. How was this going to work? How were we going to have enough time together before he would be gone for a year?
It scared me, to think that there wasn't enough time. We were states away, he was going to be leaving and.....what if something were to happen to him? What if he didn't come h....
I didn't want to think about it. It was too scary, too horrible.....too heartbreaking...
It was then that I began to realize just how precious time is. What do you do? What to you say to the man that you love, when you know you only have mere months before he's gone for a year? A year! 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. It seemed like forever to me.
But it was then that I decided what I wanted to do. Spend every moment that I possibly could with him. And how could I do that when I was states away from him. We spent the next few weeks discussing it and finally come to the decision that we would get married and I would move up there and be with him before he left. Of course, it felt like the easiest decision to make. Spend the last few months with him before he would be gone. But the truth is, it wasn't the easiest decison to make. This decision would mean that I would have to leave my friends, my family and my dream job. That is not an easy decision to make. But I knew that time.....was not on my side.
It was not the way we had always dreamed we would get married, but since when does the military ever give you the perfect opportunity? Not every often. We knew we loved each other. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. What else did we need?
We got married in January and spend a few of the greatest days together, before I had to come back to California. We were then separated again by distance. Soon he was off to JRTC for a month. And along with distance came.....no communication. Lovely.
That was the hardest, most lonely....longest month of my life. I moved to Colorado in March after he got back from training, where we spend 3 months of married life together before I had to say "see you later." Because in the miliary, we never say goodbye.
Saying "see you later" to him that day, was by far the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. Words could not even express the heartache I felt. I cried the entire way home. Lily sitting next to me in the front seat sleeping. I looked at her and thought, she doesn't even understand anything that is going on. Life is so easy for her right now and how much she is going to change before he sees her again.
So, now I think, would have it been easier on me if I didn't have those few months to "prepare'? Because is it my opinion that there is NO way to prepare yourself to watch your loved one walk away from you. It will always be the hardest thing to let go of your embrace and to stand there as he walks away. How do you ever "prepare" for that?
To my ladies, my military wives. You are much stronger than you ever even realize. You have the strength, the courage, the will, the love, the dedication and the faith....to face something that most will never even comprehend. You are all amazing. Don't you ever forget that!
Now, on to my list of positives. They can sometimes be hard to find when you feel like you can't possibly survive one more day of deployment. But here they are because no matter how alone, sad, and weak you feel.....
Life is beautiful.
Here is my list.
1) My house is clean. =)
2) The Voice is on tonight.
3) Lily has learned to sit when I sign the word to her. lol. She's so smart.
4) I'm not alone.
5) Dancing with the Stars premires tonight.
6) Athough at times it feels far away....I am one day closer to seeing my husband again.
7). I have amazing friends.
8). God loves me.
9). I love me. ;-)
10). I am much stronger than I think.
11). I have survived over 80% of this deployment.....the end is near!!
12). I have an amazing best friend.....I call him my husband.
13). Communicaion is key and we have excelled in that through this deployment.
14) Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Boy does it ever!
15). I may not be able to see him physically in front of me, but I can close my eyes and see his smile perfectly.
16). It may push me around at times and make me cry from loneliness.....but deployment WILL NEVER break me.
17). I look foward to meeting friends in person, that I have made through this deployment.
18). Though, it seems like it has been so long and though it may feel as though time is standing still, at the end of this I get the greatest gift of all.....
I get my husband back!!
Wow, I found more positive then I thought I would. Guess I am stronger than I think.
Ladies, we are almost there!!!!!
Jamie
My husband and I at the deployment BBQ, just days before he left.
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